ON LOVE, LONELINESS AND FRIENDS

"People lost track of me before."

H. Murakami

People lose track and forget about me. It happened to me in the past, and I am sure it will happen again. No phones ringing, no one calling me to parties, to ask for help or a shoulder to cry on, or to share an adventure. It seemed like nobody cared back then, it seems it`s the same now. There was also that time when even though I went out with the people I called friends I felt lonely.

Basically, I felt like this:

                                                                 Alesia Cara
    

I was a sort of a hermit in junior high school, but later I managed to make some friends that I lost track of in the meantime. Friendships seem to be slipping through my fingers. I wasn't interested in keeping those friendships because those friendships were of a temporary kind anyway, so eventually we simply went our separate ways probably because of my vanity, shallowness, and ignorance.

Little did I know that the older you get the number of true friends you make drastically drops. At least that's how it seems to me now. I could use a dating application and look at so many people online until my eyeballs pop out. But that amount of choice is just too overwhelming for me.

How come that I came to be a hermit? Was it of my own choice or preference? Since I was a kid, even in kindergarten, I was a Steppenwolf, a loner, an outcast. So it came naturally to me. The kids didn't like me probably because I came late in the day, when I was six, just before school. 

It was not only the kids that didn't accept me, but also the teachers were interestingly irreceptive of my most profound need. That need was to belong, to be a part of something greater than myself.

I was prone to illnesses so much so that I spent half of my childhood in hospitals. It wasn't fun to be a needle cushion, and spend solitary days like in a prison cell away from my parents to whom I was very attached and hated to part from. So that was probably one of the reasons the kids didn`t accept me because I wasn`t around enough for them to get to know me better.

Given all that plus the fact that I was extremely sensitive, I went through my childhood ordeals fighting for the right to belong. Little did I know that this fight will go on to date. The only difference is that I don't rebel against kindergarten teachers by throwing away the things they picked, like flowers, and getting punished by telling other kids to stay away from me because I was despicable.

Now I rebel differently. My rebellion goes on the inside against stupidity, hypocrisy, greed, and egotism—my own and that of others.

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts

William Shakespeare

 (from As You Like It, spoken by Jaques)

I recently came across a man who seemed to come onto the stage to play a part of a teacher; now I can call such people close friends even if they are far away, if not kindred spirits, almost like an older brother, who told me something no one ever told me before and something I will remember for the rest of my life. He told me that whatever I went through in childhood will always be a part of me, will always follow me and will happen over and over again.

In a nutshell, he wanted to say that I would be a Steppenwolf my whole life. That's not a very reassuring notion. I took it with a grain of salt, though, because I am an optimist. I just know I won't always be alone. I am always looking for new people. Maybe they won't be my close friends, but life is full of surprises. I am always looking forward to new encounters.

But let`s say he was right. Then, I will always be a loner. I just have to accept that and make peace with it. Why not? We are born alone and we will die alone. There's nothing unnatural about it. So I might as well continue to be alone some more, which is not a problem for me since I am quite used to it since childhood. I feel sorry for those who haven't been that lucky, to get used to being alone, so now they must feel miserable. Can you give any kind of consolation to those people? None whatsoever. Can you blame them? Not one bit.

***

Friends

Ryan Adams

Being and remaining with human beings was not and is not an easy endeavour at any age, and should be easier as you grow older. It takes courage, mutual respect, trust, and coping skills. It sometimes resembles survival in the wilderness. Some people need to be tamed. I need to be tamed too. I'd like to meet someone who will be patient enough with me and the other way round.

Friendships and love is a two-way street. Egos are obstacles to learning how to love and let yourself be loved. I think love is a gift but also a skill. Some have a greater love for others, some smaller; some bury it deep. Whatever the quality of this gift, it needs to be expanded and learned. Since learning is a lifelong process, so love can be learned endlessly like learning a second language. You always discover new things to learn. The same goes for love and all other forms of relationships. If you think you know how to love, it means you have yet to learn about both love and yourself. What I have realised through the years about love is that love is not a given; it is a lesson.  Or maybe it is a given, a credit that you need to repay. It's a shame they don't teach that lesson in schools. Maybe such schools would create happier human beings. But that's just my personal utopia.

Bottom line we can't be sure we know what love is and how to love. If there was a school of love, that would be the first lesson in the school of love. To admit you just don't know anything. Hopefully, you are eager to learn; otherwise, you will fail.

***

People lose track of me because I let them. Steppenwolf is not such a bad thing to be, after all. I take my friends as much as I can bear and I don't complain about their missing from my everyday life. They miss me too. We should not forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. If not, then we'll just have to keep searching for new friends until we find those that we want to tame and who want to be tamed by us. Search until we find the friends worth suffering.

Now, to be completely honest, I do not only lose track of people but forget about them completely. It's not possible to think of anyone around the clock or every day of the week. That's plain to see. If you are religious, you can pray for their safety, if you think you don't get to see them enough. If you are not religious, you can just let go and leave them be and do whatever they want to and whatever it is they do. We all let go eventually, don't we? You just cannot force anyone to like you, love you or be with you. You cannot force yourself to be with anyone you don't want to be with. So you shouldn't.