BE A GENTLE PARENT TO YOURSELF OR WU-WEI - YOU CAN`T HASTEN THE SEASONS

Maybe we had neglectful, strict, or abusive parents, and even if our parents were more or less normal they made mistakes while trying to raise us. Raise a glass to that! They sacrificed their time, nerves, sleepless nights, and whatnot. They abused us verbally or sexually. So we end up in an abusive relationship with a person that has a narcissistic disorder or other. That is unforgivable! Yes, but if we want to heal we will have to find the courage and lose stubbornness to be able to forgive ourselves and them.

Whatever the reason or cause of our fears, nervousness, anxiety, poor memory, restlessness, addiction or boredom, let us not put blame on our parents, co-workers, destiny, the president, government, politicians, God, etc. Let us rather be a benevolent kind loving parents to ourselves. Like, when someone leaves us, scams us, or cheats on us we have every right to be angry, hate that person, and maybe plot revenge. But where does all that energy leads us to? Towards more anger and resentment; grudge-holding. Legitimate emotions but when is their due date? When do you plan to stop and move on? Stop molesting yourself. Probably we will end up sick in a hospital bed wishing we were out there doing something simple that we omitted or neglected to do. Think about that.

Just make it simple and tell yourself "No matter what happened it is ok to make a mistake, I will learn next time". Cry yourself out. Come on, it happens and it will probably happen again. Be gentle, be kind and who cares if they cheated. What did you learn about yourself and about that person and about your friends? The lesson learned matters. Who was supportive, who avoided you because you probably whined too much? Examine everything. It will take time. Do not say I don`t have time. Yes, you do! Do it! Take the time to journal every single stupid thing you can remember. 

Discard those friends who may have gloated over your story or those who said that their predicament was even worse than yours and they put themselves first instead of listening to you. Discard that person as a friend and into the acquaintance zone. Allow yourself to grieve, accept it. Wu-Wei, man! 

Do not force yourself into happiness, or new relationships or for the pain to go away by numbing it. No. Wu -Wei according to Alan Watts is the art of not forcing anything, nor you nor your life. That will just prove that you have learned nothing. Com on! Remember there are kids in hospital beds. Can you imagine yourself being in a hospital bed not being able to do anything only having one wish - to heal and go out.

Cry, feel self-pity, feel stupid, feel small, and let your ego and pride be hurt. He/she left me, he /she doesn`t want me, I am old, I am not enough, he/she found fault with me, poked at my insecurities, gaslighted me, manipulated me, etc. Let it be. Wu-Wei. Do not fight it, or try to force the healing process, rather accept the predicament. That is not easy. It is a hard thing to do, but it is possible to do, and it is vitally needed. Do not fight or deny your emotions.

Everything is vanity anyway. If you think there is plenty of fish in the sea, yes maybe. That is a vain way of thinking, too. However, it can be used as a crutch. FOR A WHILE. Do not indulge in anything detrimental for too long. Plenty of fish in the sea is just another way of lying to yourself to make yourself feel better, bigger, or readier to face another day just to cry yourself to sleep or drown your sorrows in alcohol or drugs? But is this type of thinking PRODUCTIVE? Does it teach you anything? Doesn`t that way of thinking really imply that you are truly healing, that you are moving on, or does that way of thinking imply that you are using an avoidance strategy? In truth, you are just running away from yourself, from your shadow, from your dark side instead of facing it. I am doing that as we speak and it is rewarding. It is! I am rewarded with peace! I am sure you will too. I can feel that after so many years, at least 20, my fear is finally transforming into productive energy that will not burn everyone else or me. But I can also see that this destructive energy however harnessed, and not entirely by me. Running up that hill or destroying the mountain cannot be done on our own. But that is whole another story.

Running away from ourselves and our dark side is an instinctual reaction, in my opinion, and therefore cannot be avoided; it is normal as the air we breathe. The good news is it can be harnessed and tamed. The internet is crawling with particular words such as "trauma" or "toxic". That is ok. But be careful with the words, in general. 

Words bear powerful energy-packed messages to the brain and amygdala in particular. If we presume that the amygdala is an alarm that something is wrong, it will remember those particular words that you haven`t paid attention to and will typically alarm you by triggering some negative emotions like anger or sadness. In the case of particular words, the amygdala is trying to tell you "wake up" and examine the thoughts and the words that bear negative energy.

It seems that the amygdala sees negative words as impostors (just like the T-cells*) and will make you try to get rid of that energy they bear and will repeat those words like a broken record as an alert and warning for you to pay attention to them. Pay attention to the light motif of your thoughts and beware of how you label yourself/others or how you let others label/judge you. The difference between the response of the amygdala and the T-cells is that T-cells work on their own, but the amygdala is saying "you also have to do some work and cooperate". Does this make sense?

So, this is not about self-help, positive thinking, attracting love, motivational speech, or talking to the universe (which is a matter,) type of thing. There is no harm in running away sometimes or just observing but not entirely accepting nor discarding those labels such as toxic, trauma-bonding, that we use for ourselves or others to try to make sense of things or just to be judgemental. Be careful because that strategy can prove detrimental in the long run. 

We all want an easy fix and out of predicaments. We are impatient. But forbearance are patience are needed. Be patient with yourself and others. Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Patience with yourself means Wu-Wei or the art of gently not forcing anything. Try to be a gentle parent, a gentle loving mother to yourself. Yes, you feel sad. You feel betrayed. Abandoned, resentful, angry, small. Someone called you toxic or made you FEEL labeled as such without saying a word (manipulation). So what? 

I do not advocate for you to start hating other people or yourself or being resentful. Forbearance teaches us the opposite. It teaches us to be a gentle mother to ourselves and gives us so much power to handle anything. You will be more humble, meek, mild, and brave. Many people become stable personalities because they boldly faced their shadow, the enemy within. All that sadness, resentment, and hatred toward themselves, their parents, teachers, or anyone who ever hurt them. I do not advise passing negative judgments because that is also counterproductive. I advise not taking the words or labels SERIOUSLY. Take them as an alarm or alert that you need to pay attention to something that needs fixing by you. For example, if someone is gaslighting you the first time, you should note that and let time tell if that is a pattern. If it is so then just leave, cut the person off if you are not strong enough to handle them with some degree of peace. If you are triggered it means you are not there yet in attaining peace. So, better leave and heal. And go back to the boxing ring. That is how character is built. Good luck!

*T cells are a part of the immune system that focuses on specific foreign particles. Rather than generically attack any antigens, T cells circulate until they encounter their specific antigen. As such, T cells play a critical part in immunity to foreign substances.

I would also like to recommend this video which is also a helpful tool that I often come back to.