MY OBSERVATIONS FROM SOCIALIZING WITH NARCISSISTS, ETC.

 For me, as INFP the threat of socializing with the people I mentioned in the title is to become one of them when I try to use their weapon against them. The fear is that I will become a monster, a beast. I am afraid I will definitely become a narcissist myself. Or maybe that`s growing up/spine? I cannot definitely argue with a hard-core narcissist from logic because my heart and my rage at them are always on, which I have to overpower with so much intensity of will. I am aware they are more powerful in the brain because that is the only thing they use. Usually, they are extremely intelligent but stupid and vulnerable at the same time. INFPs never use a person`s perceived weaknesses against them.

Mild narcissism/mild toxicity is a piece of cake, though, when it comes to survival. Still, I am afraid that given all that intensity I use to harness my rage (to suppress it) at them leaves me scared that I will get sick. I am in a job where I have a narcissistic boss and a mildly toxic colleague. Never mind that she is kept in check now and knows her place like I know my own because there is a clear Chinese wall boundary now.

The problem for me is the energy these people have. A bad bad negative vibe and energy that they give off, especially unconsciously is a challenge for me to battle. I can feel that energy and cannot stand it. I know the answer is love. It worked before but not now. I know love is not a feely touchy fluffy cheesy feeling. It is much more. I feel resentful for having to stand up for myself, even though it is so good a feeling.

Now a confession. Not only that I have resentment but I really have hateful thoughts that come to me regarding such people. I am judgmental and condemn them. Those are not nice things to do or think but you cannot escape your thoughts and who you are. I probably resent myself for being a fool, for not opening my eyes and waking up to the reality of whom I am dealing with. I was vain to think everyone is a friend. They call them sins but they turn out to be very inefficient unproductive emotions/passions. My INFP core belief is that everyone is a friend. Yes, sins are unproductive passions.

Talking about my gullibility I resemble a golden retriever in that respect but I am increasingly becoming more like a regular vagabond domestic cat in the outer parts of my being. I am proud of that. However, the resentment is still there. As if it is a poison that starts to spread toward all humans including myself.

What is an antidote to anger and its offspring resentment /bitterness? Forgiveness. Very hard now. Hard-core 'krav maga' for me.You see, the evil one (yes that entity is real and you know it and is kicking your ass daily) presents things in a crooked way. Sure, someone is a narc or toxic. But what do those thoughts about them, that I chew like a ruminant animal over and over, have got to do with me and my core self, which is ultimately benevolent? NOTHING. Their ultimate core is also good. They are made in God`s image so who am I to judge them? I have every right to analyze those who come my way, and I have every right to stand up for myself. I do not have the right to condemn them.

So, my struggle is one against myself. I also have some toxic traits, to be honest, and am evidently growing them to be able to stand up for myself. Dr. Jordan Peterson is teaching people to become a monster and practice self-restraint. I am not sure how that can work, but it is something to think about. My opinion is if you play with fire you will get burnt but also will gain a lot of experience.

So I need to practice forgiveness and be thankful to God for making me see and realize these things. Being a Christian is not being stupid, gullible, and unable to stand up for yourself. But how do you marry all that in yourself? How do you integrate all these things into your being and still be peaceful, when they are paradoxical? I think that is the cross. We are torn between love and hate. That`s it. Accept it! The solution to being easily torn apart by the swine in humans and conquering resentment is love and its other offspring called to respect and forgiveness. Self-respect, self-forgiveness. This includes love and respect for those people we have a hatred for in our hearts. So, you can see how love is more than cheesy romantic stuff. It can be hard pleasant work. It cannot be pleasant at the beginning of the practice. Self-evident.

I am not able to have love and respect for myself and others, now, because I am disconnected from the original source of Love that "emanates" itself through the Holy Spirit that was given and handed down abundantly to the apostles, and us. So, ultimately I am the problem. I am not humble enough. There is some evidence of humbleness in me but it is a thing that evaporates quickly if I forget about it, which is at this moment a constant.

So, if I want to be humble I need to practice thinking that these people do not know how to love either themselves or others due to a serious lack of self-awareness, and their own inner wounds. They are emotionally illiterate. They lack awareness of how their lack of awareness negatively affects people around them. Period. I am not capable of having love as the ultimate golden crown of all virtues, at the moment. So what? I can practice and practice until I get it. Push on!

I wish all Peace, Love, and lack of resentment.

https://youtu.be/38W_MT5-k9M?t=134