The dreaded thing has come

 The dreaded thing has come. I am on the edge of an abyss. Death, that is. It is an incredibly uncomfortable feeling. Incredibly discouraging thought. The end of the rest of my life has begun. Indications were all around. People dying of cancer, my father, my friends, people dying slowly or long. Songs, movies, and the middle of a video that I choose because I want to skip the boring parts, and it starts right where a person talks about battling cancer. Omens and signs. Is that my unconscious picking up the signs, trying to tell me the truth, or trying to scare me? 

If the latter is the case then it is doing a great job. The curse of being intuitive and making connections between different unrelated pieces of information is doing its work. The unconscious self is following suit. And my rational mind is the last to know. The fear is there, or shall I say, was there before the information entered the conscious mind.

Now what am I to do? To discard the terrible thought or to go with it, acknowledge its existence because it is not going away any day soon. I know that from my experience. I don`t know if this is an intrusive thought, a real one, or from the devil or God. Doesn`t matter. It seems to be the truth. The dreaded truth.

Whatever it is, this thought of dying slowly is an incredibly discouraging thought begetting all sorts of negativity like, I should quit my job, go wherever. I can`t stand my job, and maybe this is a call. I should really leave it. I already do not feel like I am part of this world. It is strange and silly at the same time. As it is, I do not rejoice at anything anymore. 

Life seems bland and so does everyday life. Bland and grey. I really did not expect this to happen. Really. I wanted to live, have an adventure or maybe escape the city and live in the country. Alas, it seems all dreams are shattered to pieces. Now when I come to think of it, imagination is a strange thing. It can tell you how stupid you are because you are only dreaming without doing anything. Or it is telling you something else. That you dream in the first place because you know deep down you will not make it. You don`t stand a chance.

And I am not a fighter. I can see it now. I already knew that. I am a quitter. Because quitting is an energy, that can be so powerful that it pins you to a wall of fear from whence you cannot easily move and eventually this wall falls on your head and there is no one to pull you out underneath it. So sad, isn`t it. Being a quitter is not a decision. It is a power that is pulling you back. Simple as that.

No matter what you do, it is like a wave that pulls you deeper inside until you completely drown. I guess that is heredity. DNA. Unfortunatlyy. They say DNA doesn`t have to kick in. That is what my intuition is telling me, but most of the time DNA is our doom. 

So that is why I stopped listening to music or enjoying it if I find the strength to listen to anything. Music used to be my number one occupation. Now it is gone. The music is gone. Such a shame. I can't even play the guitar. I stopped writing, learning, or socializing with my friends. I feel isolated. This trend started around covid era and has not stopped since my dad died. He died during corona of leukemia. Needless to say that I was shocked and scared that I will get cancer too.

Now, that notion is very plausible, probably imminent, and not the figment of a vivid imagination or a product of some morbid wish for dying. Everything coincided with my loathing of humankind. I can`t stand anyone, really. So this feeling of isolation and premonitions, negative thinking, plus covid I had three times probably activated some maleficent chromosome. Very neat. That is how these things go.

Unfortunate circumstances, rogue DNA, illness, stress, and the snowball have started rolling. Everything is going downhill for me now. In a blink of an eye, I dropped all plans, I stopped caring for money, friendships, or what happens to my little niece. No bucket lists - too late for that. Everything fades into insignificant just to remind me that I am a stranger on this earth and there is no home for me here. No real home.